Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Wednesday, March 04, 2009 - , 1 comment

Fly, Be Free!

I realize that I’ll be showing my age a bit when I make a reference to the TV show Mork & Mindy with Robin Williams. My research tells me that it was on back in the late 70’s early 80’s. It was a spin-off of Happy Days, which I’m sure, was my favorite show on at the time. It’s not surprising that the best way to showcase Robin Williams’ talent was to make him an alien. Actually, I’m not sure that he isn’t, but I digress.

There was one episode of Mork & Mindy that I will always remember. Mork found eggs imprisoned in their box in the refrigerator. Where he was from eggs were live creatures, and he felt obliged to release them. He started throwing them into the air like they were baby birds, one by one. “Fly! Be Free!” *splat* He was horrified. We laughed hysterically, except for my grandmother, who was concerned about cleaning up the mess.

Why do I mention this? Because, I feel like I’ve been released like an injured bird. No, I haven’t gone *splat* at least not yet. I think it’s the feeling that I’m an alien that gives me an affinity with Mork. As an alien, sometimes I throw things up in the air expecting them to fly, only to watch in horror as they go *splat*.

I have always considered myself a non-conformist, choosing the path that I thought was best not based on the pressures of society but based on my own observations. Sometimes that coincided with society (such as thinking that Happy Days was the best show on TV at the time), but sometimes not (such as considering the all around superiority of a guy with a cool car). A true non-conformist should feel like an alien in society.

The problem is that being an alien can get to be very lonely. I started to think that my behavior was more anti-social than non-conformist, and I tried to change things in the name of self-improvement. So now, I have a group of people who tolerate my presence, who at times I’ve thought of as friends. But the truth is that they’re not. And how could they be when I’ve tried to fit myself into the mold that I thought would be most attractive to them?

I want to make it absolutely clear that they never asked me to change a thing. It’s all on me. It might have worked, but it looks like I picked the wrong mold. They still find me awkward and strange, which of course, I am because I am in an unnatural shape. Try as I might, I felt that everything about me was wrong, and I was more unhappy than ever.

The idea of finding a man (or of a man finding me) who loves me is absurd on its face. And whether I’ve tried to fit myself into a mold or been my natural alien self, men do not know how to interact with me as a woman. (Or want to, I haven’t been able to figure out which.) I have had many pleasant, platonic and business relationships with men but not much of a romantic nature.

I was utterly amazed about a year ago when a gentleman started writing me on-line. We primarily discussed religious issues. We had many intellectual discussions, but over and over again, he would tell me how surprised he was that I thought this or that, how I liked a particular author of military adventure stories, of my choice of vocation, because I was a woman. Wha??? I told him (as I may have mentioned on this very blog before) that when having an intellectual discussion or debate, I am a person first and a woman second. My ideas should not be put through the “woman filter” before analyzing and likewise with his responses.

Never the less, I felt myself altering my behavior because of his attentions. He complemented me and flattered me constantly both from an intellectual and physical perspective (unheard of by a man in decades). Over time, I found myself communicating with him as a woman. This wouldn’t be a terrible thing in and of itself, but it was completely against the agreed upon nature of our relationship.

Even in our religious discussions, I found myself trying to present my arguments in such a way to please him and not anger him. Again, I was molding myself into a form that I thought would be acceptable to him. However, try as I might, I always miscalculated. Therefore, I was always feeling that I was in the wrong. Is this any way for a non-conformist to act?

On Monday, the final straw was laid on this camel’s back, and I collapsed. I was in trouble again because I had chosen poorly. We had a lively discussion about some religious topic that we had been bouncing back and forth via e-mail several times. We were both confused. I wanted to “cut to chase” and talk it out. (In general, I find that there comes a time after several e-mails when a simple phone call will resolve most miscommunication quite quickly.)

Just the other day, he had mentioned (in an e-mail) that he would like a call from me. So, I called. We resolved the miscommunication, and all was well, or so I thought. Within a couple of hours, I received an e-mail that told me in no uncertain terms that I had erred. There can be no other phone calls. It was at that moment that I realized that as an alien there is some piece of information that I am incapable of perceiving. I started with a false premise that it was possible for me to come up with a logical decision. I never have the full facts. My reasoning is flawed, so my conclusions cannot be trusted.

Then, I realized how much I had tried to conform to a system that I do not understand. I had forgotten that I was an alien. There are some things, try as I might, that I will never understand. Once I reverted to my natural shape, I couldn’t believe how wonderful it felt. I could not believe how much I had tried to bury myself because I thought I was wrong. I was trying to live up to what I thought were other people’s expectations of me. They didn’t even place them. It was my own warped mind.

Once I figured all of this out, once I saw how much I had been trying to find some formula on being the perfect human, it was very liberating. I don’t have to do any of it. I only need one friend, Jesus, who loves me unconditionally no matter what. He doesn’t want me to be any way other than what I am. I am extremely grateful for that.

And with this epiphany, I feel happier than I have been in YEARS. I feel free & fully me! Hallelujah and Praise the Lord!


You shall know the truth and the truth will set you free.
I never ask any one to think like me but they are in real trouble if they think I will learn to think like them. You can ask some of my bishops.

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